I Went to Therapy so You Don’t Have To
By Erica Ward
Erica Ward
Just kidding, in all seriousness everyone needs therapy. I realize, however, not everyone has the resources (financially and/or emotionally) to start going. So, on the off chance one of those people stumble across this blog post, or if you’re just someone who is interested—here are some of the best lessons I’ve learned in therapy.
I should preface this all by telling you a little bit about me. I’m a third-year PhD student in the Mathematical, Computational, and Systems Biology program at UCI (I say “third-year” because honestly, rising fourth-year sounds crazy and scary as hell). I got my bachelor’s degree in applied mathematics after transferring from a local community college (and yes, starting as a transfer student and going on to completely switch fields later in your PhD program is hard… If anyone is interested, feel free to reach out and I’ll write an entirely separate blog post about it).
I spent my high school years skipping class and “socializing.” Consequently, I pretty much shocked all of my teachers when I ended up graduating—so I really worked from the bottom up. I’m biracial, grew up in a low-income, single-parent household (shout out Dad—love ya!), and of course, I’m a first-generation college student. I went through some difficult experiences when I was too young (like going through my parents’ divorce at 12 and then losing my mom to cancer when I was 18). Truly, I spent a lot of my life feeling like all the odds were stacked against me. I remember having anxiety and depression at a very young age (we’re talking like 5 years old here), so there are definitely some genetic and environmental factors at play too.
With all that said, I was a great candidate for therapy (it is also worth noting here that therapy isn’t only for people who have experienced traumatic things in their lives). However, I’ve always known it would help me tremendously, and funnily enough, I did try therapy as an over-emotional, angsty teenager.
It was one of the worst experiences of my life.
I went in every week, cried about the same struggles I’ve been dealing with, received no advice about how to handle my emotions or resolve any of my issues, and never found even an inkling of validation for my feelings. And to top it off, I found out years later (through the confusion of my current doctors) that the “antidepressant” I was prescribed was actually an anti-inflammatory drug (like Ibuprofen or Tylenol)… Yeah.
So that brings us to:
Lesson #1: If your first/current therapist isn’t working for you, find a new one.
I cannot express how grateful and proud I am of myself that I didn’t let one horrible experience stop me from finding the help that I so desperately needed. Therapists are people too which means not every therapist will be able to give you what you need. (Although I genuinely hope that my first therapist has gotten appropriate training since then or is no longer practicing, lol.)
For me, it is really important that my therapist is supportive and understanding. I need to be able to trust them wholly and I absolutely expect that they are fully present in every single one of our sessions. It is extremely difficult to pour out all your emotions and feelings (many of which are so bottled up and concealed that you may not have anyone else to share them with) to someone who doesn’t make the effort to get to know who you really are as a person.
I genuinely think of my current therapist as one of my best friends. Maybe that sounds sad to some, but she authentically knows who I am as a person (better than most), is unwaveringly reassuring, understanding, and patient, and will be the bearer of bad news when she needs to be (AKA when I need it; and as all genuinely good friends should). She checks all the boxes for me, and most importantly, I trust her enough to tell her absolutely everything. I’m so grateful to have her in my life and on my team. It’s a really good idea to think about what you might need in a therapist and to even tell them as you’re searching for one that is the right fit for you.
If you can’t be your raw and genuine self in therapy, what is the point of being there? Which brings me to:
Lesson #2: Give therapy everything you have.
Once you find a therapist you like and have built a foundation of trust with them—don’t hold back. Make the most out of your time with them. Talk to them about everything. Talk about everything that has happened in your past, whatever you're dealing with in the present, and anything you are looking forward to or even dreading in the future. Tell them everything. You will finally start to understand so much about yourself; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Then you can focus on doing the work to improve and continue finding ways to grow. It is a lot of work, but it is so worth it. Trust me.
Lesson #3: Change your “all or nothing” mindset.
This has been one of the hardest things for me to do and is something I’m still working on every day.
When you are so depressed that taking care of yourself seems like it’s too much (bad performance in work/school, not able to maintain close relationships, poor hygiene, etc.), it is better to brush your teeth for one minute instead of two, it is better to respond late to your friend’s/family’s text messages, it is better to show up to work/school even if you’re not at your most productive. Just the act of trying to do some of these things (that you know are good for you) will likely help you crawl out of the pit.
I recently got diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, which for me, helps to explain why I think this way. I’m either not interested at all or hyper-focused on something, and there is rarely an in-between. I either work 8/9 hours a day (straight—without breaks for lunch and anything else) or I don’t want to go in. It’s helped me so much to coach myself into believing, “It is better/worth it to go in to focus on work for just a few hours.” Plus, this helps me maintain a balance between being productive and not burning out (the never-ending academic struggle).
I also think there is something about academia (especially the higher up you go) that subconsciously encourages this kind of “all or nothing” behavior. I don’t have enough time/I have too much on my plate to finish an assignment; well, I’d rather not do it at all. I don’t have enough time/I have too much on my plate to study and get an A on this exam; I might as well not even try. As hard-working academics, we’re constantly striving for As in everything, instead of putting in a moderate amount of effort to get a B or a C.
Newsflash: life doesn’t hand out grades. There are no As or Bs or Cs in life (unless you’re assigning them to yourself- which I do and try so hard not to). It has helped my mental health tremendously to adopt the phrase, “Good enough.” If that is too hard, try, “Good enough, for now.”
If I’m being completely honest, I remember a time in my life when I had said and genuinely thought nothing felt better than earning an A, or getting a 4.0, or getting an award, or a scholarship. Yes, those are all great things, and they still feel great, but there is SO much more to life than your successes at work or as a student. You are not just a student, or a researcher, or a mathematician. You are a PERSON who is also a student/researcher/mathematician.
Lesson #4: Your health should be your first priority.
This may sound like a given, but again as academics, I think this is something we should all continue to remind ourselves. I always hear things like, “Oh I only got X hours of sleep last night to meet this deadline,” as if you should be proud of consistently sacrificing your health and well-being for your performance at work… Uhh, no thanks.
As a side note: I actively combat this by applauding my peers and colleagues for taking time off work and leaving early. Maybe that’s worth giving a shot, especially if you aren’t happy about the culture in the environment you’re in.
You need to take breaks—throughout the day, throughout the week, throughout the month, and throughout the year. Set goals for yourself and plan time off. Think to yourself, and even better, tell your advisor: “After I finish writing this section/after I finish this grant proposal, I’m going to take X time off.” Plus, this gives you the added benefit of having something to look forward to when you’re done (which may even increase your productivity). A win-win if you ask me.
Lesson #5: You need a hobby. Preferably, one that you LOVE.
This one is funny because again, sounds obvious right? Well, I went the vast majority of my life without having a hobby. (Again, sad? Maybe. True? Yes.) It really was through therapy that I realized how much I needed to be doing something that wasn’t at all work-related (this is the key here) and gave me more satisfaction than scrolling on my phone or watching TV. And thus, the hunt was on.
I actually had to try a few things and invest a little bit of money into finding something that worked for me. I tried journaling, painting, and coloring… But they weren’t my cup of coffee (metaphorically, more like my cup of tea because I will choose coffee over tea everyday). I know it sounds dramatic, but after trying several things over a span of a couple of years, I kind of started losing hope. I really thought I might never find anything that could give me the same satisfaction as getting an A, a 4.0, an award, etc.
Then I found pottery. I could honestly write an entire blog post about how consumed I am by pottery, but that’s not what this is about (If you want to follow along with my journey though, here is a shameless self-plug: look me up on Instagram @ewpots! We’ll see if our fearless leader—the editor-in-chief of this blog—Jasmine, will allow this part to be posted, haha.)
Maybe pottery doesn’t light a fire in your soul like it does mine, but what can be helpful is hearing the effect it has had on me…
Pottery genuinely gives me something to look forward to each day and each week. Yes, I had to shell out some cash to sign up for monthly classes at a local pottery studio. But man, I’ll tell ya… Nothing gets me through Monday like knowing I get to do pottery on Wednesday nights. The feeling that I get when I make a piece that I’m proud of (and even better, when someone else compliments it… OMG) is just as good as getting an A.
With my hobby, it was also important to me that I could produce things that are utilitarian (I’m not a fan of having clutter/junk around). I can make so many things that I can use through pottery and I’m so excited to gift pieces to the people I love (AKA everyone that has supported this venture—free pieces for all of you!) And, as if it could get any better, there is the possibility of being able to sell my work and make this hobby profitable. Am I at that level yet? Probably not, but having that as a possibility does provide some motivation if I’m being honest.
There is something to be said about the satisfaction you get out of creating something with your own hands. What’s even crazier is that I almost feel recharged or replenished after I leave the studio, and I find that I’m ready to get back to work the next day.
Personally, I’ve always loved learning and continually learning more. Maybe you do too (and that’s how we ended up in graduate school). For me, pottery is an avenue that allows me to create, keep learning, and growing, and gaining skills that, again and most importantly, isn’t work-related.
Alright, now I’m off to play with some clay. There is always much more to be said, so let us know if you enjoyed this post to see more. I hope that at least this post inspired you to start therapy, and maybe try pottery! (Or find your own version of pottery.)
Erica Ward is a Ph.D. student in the Mathematical, Computational, and Systems Biology program at UC Irvine. She is passionate about confronting social stigmas and breaking barriers in academia.