Learning When to Say No
Throughout graduate school, or perhaps life, people have attempted to give me a lot of advice on how to not take on too much. “Say no to the things that you don’t want to do,” “Say no to the non-important things,” etc. are a few of the phrases that I have been told whenever the conversation about balance comes up. But what happens when things aren’t so black and white? After many years of being told that people appreciate me because I always say yes, struggling to set my own boundaries, and feeling obligated to push myself to do more so I don’t let other people down, I decided enough was enough. Here are some ways that I have learned to say no, even when I might have wanted to say yes.
Create a way to check your commitments and plan for balance
Throughout my life, I have loved to follow my curiosities, which is a large reason that I am currently in graduate school. To say that the amount of opportunities for myself increased when I got to graduate school would be an understatement. As someone who has always been interested in education, volunteering, and learning, I discovered a new opportunity almost every week. Suddenly, I had a plethora of opportunities that I wanted to say yes to. Almost overnight I found myself trying to balance a heavy teaching load, acting as President of the AWM chapter, working with an undergrad on a directed reading project, participating in multiple reading groups, taking courses, and conducting research. It wasn’t until after I said yes to these opportunities that I realized I had little to no time for other things that I wanted to prioritize in my life; In particular, I found that I had very little time to prioritize myself. This was really challenging to me because I really wanted to do all of the things that I was signed up for, but there just was not enough time to do it all.
To combat this issue I came up with a system to make it easier to encourage balance:
Determine Priorities for the Quarter/Semester
Categorize the Priorities
Allocate up to 2 - 3 things for each category
My categories this quarter were: Teaching & Mentorship, Research, Outreach, Service, and Personal/Family Time. In order to determine these categories I first listed all of the things that I was already planning on doing and then categorized them. For example, I knew that I needed to include Research and Teaching & Mentorship because I conduct research and act as a teaching assistant or a graduate student instructor each quarter. Additionally, I knew that I wanted to include an Outreach and a Service category because I am co-organizing a colloquium, am an active member of the Santa Cruz Teaching Circle, and had planned some outreach events in my community. To take my system further, I forced myself to determine two things that I was going to do for myself (read and kickbox) and I allocated things that I could explicitly do to enhance my familial relationships, such as scheduling board game nights, daily walks and phone calls. In no way do I think that this system is perfect, but using this method has helped me maximize my value in the things that I am committing time to. It has also helped me balance what I am saying yes to without sacrificing time for my other priorities.
By scheduling my priorities explicitly, I have found that it is easier to recognize when I would be taking on too much before I commit to it. Sometimes though, I worry that if I say no to something, that it will be an opportunity that I’ll ever have again. I feel like these instances can be the hardest ones to say no to and even with my system in place, I have a hard time saying no. I have been very fortunate to find community with people who share many of the same professional interests with me and I have found that it can be easier to take on these things in these cases when I am not doing them alone.
Differentiate between being free and being available
In graduate school with the amount of scheduled meetings and commitments, it can be hard to know when you are available. Isn’t there something else that I should be working on at this precise moment? One way that I have learned to say no is when I do not have the time to complete the things that I have said yes to. I often have free time during the day without scheduled meetings, but if I have a lot of work that I need to get done during that time, am I really available to add more to my plate? My answer is NO! This practice helps me set boundaries and prioritize myself. A friend of mine implemented a strategy of scheduling make-up days to get things done that didn’t get done in the week. I have found some success by scheduling time that I want to work throughout the day with a plan of what I will get done, but also giving myself some scheduled flexibility. This has helped me specify my work schedules and plan for more time to prioritize my needs outside of work.
Live in a guilt-free zone
One reason that I struggle to say no is that I feel guilty about what will happen if I do say no. I often feel guilty when I realize that if I decline an opportunity, that I am letting people down. I have trained myself to recognize that I will only feel more guilt when I do not have the time to dedicate to the opportunity. This year, I have been part of a learning seminar on how to incorporate data science practices in our classrooms. Each participant was highly encouraged to give a presentation. I felt really guilty when they were looking for upcoming speakers and I hadn’t signed up, but I knew that I had too much on my plate. This may sound cheesy, but when I feel as if I am inclined to say yes because of guilt I repeat to myself “this guilt is not my responsibility.” Shockingly, the world did not end when I said no. In fact, a professor told me that they were proud of me! Who would have thought?!
I genuinely feel like I will always be learning when to say no to things and that I may change my mind on my thoughts on some of these suggestions as soon as I finish writing this blog. I have found solace in knowing that I am trying and that growth is not always linear and I extend this same advice to you. I wish you the best of luck in your journey of determining when you will say no. It is not always easy, but with practice it will get easier!
Jennifer Guerrero (She/Her/Hers) is a fifth year PhD Candidate in Math at UC Santa Cruz working with Robert Boltje. In her free time, you can find Jennifer at a bookstore, kickboxing, solving puzzles, or walking her dog.