By Verenalei Schoenfeld

I am Lulu Schoenfeld, a rising 2nd year graduate student at the University of California, Irvine (UCI). I just finished my first year of graduate school and attempted the qualifying exams for the first time. A year ago, when I was accepted to UCI, all the current students and faculty warned me that it would be the hardest year of my life. Throughout that first year, these comments were always in the back of my mind. Now that I'm done, I'm going to evaluate the validity of these statements to help future or current graduate students.

I graduated with a bachelor's degree in mathematics in May 2021 from California State University, Fullerton (CSUF). Like many 2020 and 2021 graduates, I felt like I was robbed of my education and college experience. We were all isolated as this was an unknown time for everyone. Specifically in academia, most students, faculty, and staff lost their sense of normalcy and there were not enough resources to transition into virtual learning. As a result of this rapid transition to remote schooling, I lost the support systems I had on campus. We missed out on the closure of graduating from college. Because of these lost experiences, I didn't know if I wanted to do school anymore. I didn't like the idea of learning new things and I wasn't motivated to do math like I once did.

I stayed hopeful about my first year at UCI. I was excited to live in a new place, meet new people, and to finally fall back in love with learning. The first thing people would say to me in graduate school was "oh, good luck, the first year is the hardest." They wouldn't really elaborate and just told me to keep up with my studies. These statements made me doubt the experience and I started to give up before I even started.

The first quarter of graduate school was a big adjustment for everyone. This was the first quarter many California schools were back to in-person instruction. After 1.5 years of doing school from my kitchen table, I was finally back in the classroom. I thought I would thrive in this environment, since that is how I prefered to learn prior to the pandemic. But the sudden shift to in-person learning was a bigger obstacle than I thought. All of a sudden I had to re-learn time management to factor in getting ready for the day, commuting to school, walking to each class, going to get lunch, etc. I felt like I barely had time to do any school work after going to lectures, discussions, and TA-ing two sections. I felt like I was drowning in all these responsibilities and it took me a long time to finally adjust to this new lifestyle.

Academically, I was struggling. I was taking three graduate level courses on the quarter system. My previous institution was on the semester system, so this was a big change for me. Everything went so quickly and it seemed like I could never catch up on homework, reading, grading, and taking care of my basic needs as a human. I didn't do as well as I'd hope in those classes and that took a toll on my self-esteem. I thought this was my sign to just drop out of graduate school and find another field to go into.

Thankfully, I didn't do that. I decided to continue into the winter quarter, but only take two classes. This is also when I started therapy and saw the academic counselors at UCI. Although I had a good support system at home, none of my family understood the struggles of being in a PhD program since I am the first in my family to pursue a graduate degree in the STEM field. It was during this time that I learned to let go of the past and just try my best at the task I had in hand. Instead of worrying about the next six years of my life, I focused on taking things one thing at a time. I learned to forgive myself for my mistakes and to take action to improve in every aspect of my life.

Finding and maintaining this new work-school-life balance was difficult. It took me the entire first year to work on myself and my habits. I am still learning even as I am going into the summer break and preparing for the qualifying exams in the fall. This is an ongoing journey that I have finally embraced.

So, is the first year of graduate school really the hardest? Well, the answer is that there is no way to tell. For me, it was a difficult year, but I may feel different next year or even five years from now when I am writing my dissertation. The real lesson here is to be easy on yourself. Everyone has their own version of self-care; don't forget to do those things when you start graduate school. It doesn't matter how busy you are, make sure you take care of your physical and mental health first. School is going to be hard no matter what year it is, so you just need to make the most of it. Although many cautioned me that the first year would be the hardest, I also received the above advice as I started graduate school. It is a lot easier to listen to the advice than actually do it. In retrospect, I wish I actually did these things in the first few months of graduate school; it would've made my first year much easier.

Verenalei is a math graduate student at UC Irvine with an interest in geometry and math education. In her spare time she enjoys photography and dancing.